Excerpts From the Diary of Armin Meiwes

by Jay HOLLEY
 

Dear Diary,

What a wonderful day! Today went down the street to the coffee shop to buy cigarettes, and they’d installed an internet computer. I signed up for a hotmail account and surfed some photo sites.

Armin

Dear Diary,

Today is even better than yesterday. I discovered a thing called a search engine, which is for locating information on the world wide web, and I found a few local message boards run by other people like me who are interested in the Atkins diet. Some of their messages say it’s easier than you think — I might try next week but first I have to find some recipes because just eating hamburger I know I’ll get bored.

Armin

Dear Diary,

Today I found some recipes with few or no carbs and one that looked really tasty called for venison. When I was a little boy I went deer hunting and I promised myself I’d never do that again so I’m going to substitute pork I think, but I really want something gamey so I might have to come up with an alternative.

Armin

Dear Diary,

I found some “Radical Atkins” message boards today and I must say their alternative to cattle looks tempting. I put up a few posts advertising for young, lean boys who’re game for letting me eat their savory parts — I sure hope someone answers back because I need to start my diet and get rid of these love handles!

Impatiently,

Armin

Dear Diary,

I got five responses today! Three pictures sent; the other two just letters. Don’t these people read the ads carefully?! When I wrote, “Looking for 18-25 year old man who want to be slaughtered. NO FATTIES,” didn’t they read the last line, the part about fatties!? Why would anyone want to eat them?

Armin

Dear Diary,

I’ve finally found a nice computer technician whose head would fit just perfectly in my crock pot. I’ve been watching Martha all week to try to get ideas, but I’m just not sure how to prepare my new friend Bernd. I wish I cooked at home more instead of going out all the time. I’m really looking forward to homemade meals but I’m not sure I’m ready for anything beyond sandwiches.

Frustrated,

Armin

Dear Diary,

Things went well with Bernd the other day. We had a nice chat and fried ate a little bit of him before he had to go. The diet’s going great — I’ve lost ten pounds so far and it’s only been a week! I wasn’t sure whether white or red would go best with Bernd, but I’ve found a fragrant Shiraz that complements him perfectly. Off to the market to get some more barbecue sauce!

Armin

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