Negotiations With My Generous Friend Aaron Grill, Who Offers a Couch and a Blanket to Visitors, but Not His Sister
Dear Mr. Grill,
I am writing to inquire whether you would be interested in employing a butler for any of the days of March 19th through March 28th. I will be traveling to your area and your acquaintance Ms. Emily Lawton suggested you might have need for my services. For remuneration, all I require is lodging.
I look forward to your reply and earnestly hope we can agree to a mutually beneficial arrangement.
Jonathan Holley Butler
Dear Mr. Holley,
Unfortunately, Simonomis Productions is not currently hiring for the position of Butler. However, I will approve lodging at requested Flatbush Avenue apartment from March 20th through March 28th for one Jonathan Holley. The requested date of March 19th must be approved by Mr. Levi Reznicek and/or Kristina Vojtek as I, CEO of Simonomis Productions, will be out of the country during said date and returning on March 20th.
Furthermore, the below listed conditions must be agreed upon via electronic mail response, and signing party will be held accountable by the authority of the Electronic Transactions Act of 2002:
- Lodging host shall not be responsible to pick up or drop off signing party at the airport, in accordance with local custom.
- Lodging host shall not be required to take any tours of New York City, unless signing party wishes to take a “CRUISE” with one “Speed” Levitch (see documentary The Cruise).
- Signing party will purchase one drink for lodging host at local Brooklyn dive bar, to be specified by lodging host.
- Signing party will not try to make out with lodging host’s college-aged step-sister, also visiting from Kansas, during visit (said step sister’s friends are exempt from any contractual agreement and any making out will be at the discretion of the signing party and said step-sister’s friends).
- Signing party shall not attempt retaliatory behavior in response to lodging host’s May 2002 visit, when lodging host brought one snoring, smelly hippy to lodge at signing party’s Greenpoint apartment.
- Signing party shall assist in the shoot of a Simonomis Productions film, and further agrees to post resulting feature on johnnyamerica.com. Equipment will be provided by lodging host.
Negotiations and comments are welcome.
Sincerely, Master Aaron R. Grill CEO, Simonomis Procutions
Dear Mr. Grill,
I regret my services as butler are not required, but I graciously accept your offer for lodging. I’ve contacted my former employer Emily Lawton and she has agreed to contract me for menial labor on the 19th—I’m to spend the day scrubbing and polishing her numerous silver statues of Andre 3000 and the evening re-soling a dozen pairs of go-go boots.
Your conditions are fair and reasonable and I will gladly agree to all of them, pending clarification of point four, which states, “Signing party shall not try to make out with lodging host’s college aged step-sister, also visiting from Kansas, during the visit.”
“Shall not try to make out,” could be interpreted to mean I, the signer, am prohibited from pursuing said step-sister, though not necessarily limited by contract should said step-sister “try to make out” with me, a passive party. Was this your intention, sir? My request for clarification is not meant to imply opinion one way or another toward the act of “‘making out” with your step sister—rather, I ask because I’ve retained legal counsel and my attorney, Ms. Emily Lawton, has advised I clarify this uncertain clause of the contract.
I look forward to completing our negotiations and purchasing the first party his required drink, plus up to two incentive drinks depending on the lodging party’s request for clarification re: the issue of “making out.”
Jonathan Holley Butler
Thank you for your most gracious response to the terms outlined. I must say that “make out” clauses can be peculiar, and subject to numerous contingencies. Your legal counsel certainly has vast experience with such clauses.
The spirit of point four is to prevent any “making out” between the lodging party and host’s step-sister at said Flatbush Avenue Apartment in order to maintain sanity and good relations between lodging host and signing party. To further clarify, said step-sister is not Julie, with whom said signing party is already well acquainted, but rather, the church-going younger sister Molly. In the event, however slight the chance, said church-going step-sister does “try to make out” with signing party, it will be understood that signing party did not attempt the passive lure of said young church-going step-sister. I hope you understand, and take in good faith my reasons for including such clauses (perhaps I can go into the extent and history of my reasoning over a drink). I sincerely tried to take into consideration your needs, which is why I exempted said step-sister’s friends. If your needs are great, the Q subway train is a short walk away and but three stops away from Chinatown, where I’m sure your can find young Asian men to fulfill these needs.
The purchase of one drink for lodging host, as outlined in the original conditions, is plenty. If you wish to purchase additional drinks for lodging host, it will be most welcome at the time.
Thank you for your understanding, and I hope that we can reach an agreement soon and have many drinks together along with your legal counsel and employer Ms. Lawton.
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