Follow Up to Negotiations With My Generous Friend Aaron Grill, Who Offers a Couch and a Blanket to Visitors, but Not His Sister or A Critique of Aaron Grill, Cheater and Nogoodnick

by Jay HOLLEY
 

I took a week’s vacation and caught a flight to LaGuardia. I stayed with my friend Aaron Grill, who has an apartment in Park Slope. He was overall a gracious host but he made two unforgivable offenses:

  1. He cheated at poker (again).

  2. He banned me from smooching his sister.

Dear Aaron,

I don’t mind the five bucks you stole — what I resent is that every time we play poker you get incrementally wealthier than me. I lose five, you take five, so at the end of the night you’re ten ahead. And that’s just my cash — you fleece everyone else at the table too. We all know you do it, and you know we know, but you keep doing it. Sometimes I don’t understand you.

Normally I wouldn’t say anything about your pocketing of chips and clumsy slight-of-hand, or do anything in retaliation, but I was pissed off at you for banning me from making out with your sister Molly. She was smart and sassy and blessed in the looks department, so when I saw you poach a twenty-five cent piece from Levi’s pile I was fuming. Next day, when you were at work, I emptied out a little bit of every product you own, to cost you money and even things out.

You now have half as much shampoo as you used to, which I reckon’ll cost you five bucks since it was fancy salon shampoo. Your pricey Olive Oil followed half a bottle of Hendrick’s gin down the drain — that’s thirty dollars reclaimed justly. Your Pepto Bismol, your GNC vitamins, all gone all flushed. We’re square now in my mind but I wanted to let you know what I’d done, so we can start fresh.

Yours,

JJH

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