How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #14: August, 2004

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • A full 16.1 percent of August’s visitors found our site through our Review of the Suicide Girls Burlesque Show—our most Google-weighted story since Armin Meiwes, the German Cannibal. The wholesome Aunt Jemima, by comparison, attracted only 0.4 percent of visitors referred by search engines. Truly, she isn’t as cute as a troupe of indie girls prancing a stage in their underwear, but she has heart.
  • Two visitors found us searching for “dale earnhardt collectible kfc bucket.”
  • Did the individual hunting for “robin airplanes” have hijacking in mind, we wonder, or is “robin airplanes” an obscure musician? Both alternatives are interesting.
  • We wish we knew what the “cow and buffalo funny saying” was—we adore cows, like buffaloes more than average, and love funny sayings.
  • Whoever looked for “monica bellucci fucking” needs to restrain themselves. Search for “rachel leight cook going down,” “mother theresa gangbang,” but leave Bellucci out of it. She’s so fetching, our one modern actress with classic film looks, that her name should not be soiled.
  • Why anyone would look for “joke about a man in a short sleeve shirt”is beyond our reckoning. There are far more-interesting searches to be had: “mouse eating cheese,” “hanky panky telephone wind ups,” “transexual dating aberdeen,” and “raising chickens for slaughter” to name a few. Wasting your days searching for jokes about short sleeves seems pointless when you consider the possibilities.
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