How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #15: September, 2004

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.

September was a spectacular month.

  • After Emily posted a definition, it’s no surprise Google started sending us traffic for “hobosexual” but that we are now the number two authority on the web—is surprising and delightful.
  • There’s something honest and direct about two-word queries—minimal adjectives, simple language—the searcher knows what they want and how to succinctly express it. “old bitches,” “guam punk,” “sexy broads,” “fuck infant”: can searches get any better?

Yes! They can!

  • We want to meet the “dog [who] ate 10 chicken drumsticks.”
  • We wish to correct the grammar and chastise whoever was looking for “naked childrens” and slap the man who thinks “bmg music service is too good.” It is not, sir.
  • Emily has a word or two for whoever claimed “jimmy fallon fucked me.” That’s her fiancé you’re talking about, hussy.
  • Do you really “feel guilty for public urination,” we wonder? If you’re so fucking guilty you’d quit pissing on people’s bicycles, you filth-pig scumbag.
  • “i m so fetching angry,” “she arched her little ass,” “pictures of people cuddling on couch,” and “she was gigantic -sex,” are all worth saluting, but they’re banal compared to “poems about idiots” or “mom rubbed my thing.”
  • We’re mildly impressed with the individuals who searched for “widow ladies club suck stories” and “dodgeball fat girl no panties,” but are absolutely in awe of the seekers of, “posh names for chicken,” “public embarrassment device,” and “not again! the hiccups.”

Other notables:

  • “stories sensual stroll along the beach the sunset reflected in our eyes as we hold hands and enjoy the tide”
  • “dunkin donuts and sour cream donut”
  • “i m so into black guys cute”
  • “hot naked girls washing hot motor bikes”
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