How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #17: November, 2004

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • “will you fuck my sister?” is an interesting query. What kind of person expects a Search Engine to answer? Does Hotbot.com sometimes “get it on” with frisky lasses? It’s a web application, not a sex robot.
  • Equally foolish is the fellow who wondered “who fucked my sister.” Is the Internet really going to have the answer?
  • “erect guys in home depot” surprised us, so we Googled it ourselves. johnnyamerica dot net turns up on page three. Someone searched for “erect guys in home depot” and followed the first twenty-eight links. Staggering.
  • “who inspired john travolta to dance?” is a question we’ve wondered about ourselves, as well as “where are pictures of hot girls cuddling?” We’ve been looking for those pictures too, but all we can find on the Internet is much more, shall we say “hardcore.” It’s perfectly normal to wonder about Travolta’s muse and desire photos of friendly cuddling, but the web doesn’t have the solution.
  • Is a homosexual’s heart attack different from a straight’s corresponding coronary catastrophe? Do rainbows shoot out of queer peoples’ eyes when they die? Maybe that’s what the person searching for “fat gay cardiac arrest” was hoping to find. It’s sweet to think so, anyway. Sadly, death is never fabulous.
  • “women are stronger than men,” is a refreshingly bold statement, whereas “pictures of people with dirty sayings of their shirt” speaks of juvenile interests.
  • Whoever was searching for “one drink not productive in afternoon” is clearly delusional (one drink is productive, two more so), so we hope they don’t become regulars on our site. The person who was looking for “oh no! jacques derrida dies,” on the other hand, we invite to be our new Internet pal.
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