Just Ask James: Letter from a Would-Be Man

What’s great about James Spillane is that if you have a question about how to drunkenly punch someone in the face, start a huge bar fight, have the cops come, then make it look like the person that you punched is at fault because you are mentally handicapped, he knows the answer.

Dear Mr. Spillane,

Please tell my wife that she is nuts. It is almost completely impossible to communicate with her. For example: yesterday after a small argument over breakfast or, shall I say, what to eat for breakfast, things took a turn for the worse and soon pans were whizzing by my head. Later, in a futile attempt to ease things between us I purchased a dozen roses, which only seemed to create another argument over finances. What am I doing wrong?

Brian

Fuck, Brian.

I love these sorts of questions… here a few things I believe you need to figure out in order to move toward a productive relationship with your crazy wife.

  1. All women are nuts. There is nothing you can do about it; hell there is nothing I can do about it. Basically you have to suffer through the five stages of acceptance: denial, anger, bargaining, a sort of depression, and finally acceptance.
  2. You say you have problems with communication; well frankly I have problems with all communication. Communication as a whole is not used correctly, instead or society uses it almost completely as a form a persuasion. Almost every thing that comes out of our little dental holes is our way of trying to bend the wills of others and force our wills upon them, whether it is a TV commercial trying to sell you a penis enhancer, a guilt trip, or you pleading your case as to why gays should be allowed to marry. Every time you open your mouth you are trying to make people see things your way, every time you wife opens her mouth she is trying to get you to see things her way. The only people right now in the planet earth who communicate effectively are the aborigines, and they don’t say much.

So knowing what you now know, here is a little advice:

  1. You need to man it up… stop shopping at the Gap and wearing mesh trucker hats; drop the whole MTV look because that is you trying to be something you are not. You’re a man; do what you really want to do: get in your truck (if you don’t have a truck, buy one), drive to the liquor store and get yourself a handle of whiskey. Wear Levis and tee shirts. If it is cold out, wear a sweatshirt; jackets are for wankers. Finally, get yourself a can of chew and lock one in for the working man.
  2. Get a real job. If you work behind a computer, you are wasting your life. Men weren’t meant to work in cubicles. You’ve seen the movie Fight Club . Unless you want to roll around with sweaty men and burn buildings, get a real job… look for something in construction, something where your hands get dirty.
  3. Stop talking. Don’t say shit. Your wife will just love that, but more importantly she will begin the process of trying to understand you. You will become an enigma to her. She might threaten to leave you, but don’t worry about that. because now she will be curious. She’ll to know what is driving you and why it’s something other than her. Even better, she will be more attracted to you. It’is a matter of evolution, my dear friend. Women are a species who are attracted to men, real men. Just watch a pride of lions on the discovery channel.If you can figure out how it works in the animal kingdom, you should be able to figure out how it works with humans.

Go forth with Godspeed and become the man you always dreamed of, become SPARTACUS .

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