How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #18: December, 2004

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • The query “should employees eat at their desks at work?” betrays the searcher’s weak and image-obsessed personality. Is your stomach grumbling? Assuming you’re not such a beast that the sight of you eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich will disgust your co-workers, by all means have a nibble.
  • “glasses frames anti theft guess,” confused us. What could this query mean?
  • “commie travolta,” on the other hand, makes more sense. We’ve always suspected his sexy dancing was a rouse. His role as “James Ubriacco” in the Look Who’s Talking movies is so obviously a red critique of Western consumerism it’s almost insulting.
  • Ask yourself, searchers for “bukkake sites for one dollar”: what quality porn do you think you’ll find for a buck? That’s what a bottle of Pepsi costs. Are you searching out of frugality or morbid curiosity?
  • We like to imagine it was a twelve year old prep school boy listening to the droll instructions of his school’s assistant librarian who repeatedly searched for “suck my nuts old lady.”
  • “sexually transmitted disease wild turkey,” like “how to make a cricket costume,” is a fascinating query. In the case of the first, was the turkey in question a herpes-laden bottle of booze slipped into shadowy spaces, or the kooky gobbler we know and devour? In the second, was the searcher hunting patterns for a man-sized costume, or did he wish to play dress up with a chirping pet insect?
  • One of our regular contributors adores girls with “thick legs short skirts.” If that was you wasting time surfing the net looking for skin pics, and you know who you are, please get back to work on the elaborate contribution you’ve promised for Johnny America Issue Three.
  • “huge flexed biceps on strong men,” “girls that show it all,” “hello kitty smoking device,” and “is he a hipster?” slightly amused us, while “how to tell if someone is a goth” made us sad. Is this person worried whether their secret crush’s “Type O Negative” t-shirt hints at vampyrism? Is this a concerned mother wondering about the pentagram on her son’s skateboard. You’re right to be concerned, Internet searcher–a goth life is a wasted life. Luckily, all you need to do is submit the object of your concern’s picture to the web site, pray, pray, pray, they’re not, and wait for your answer.
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