Sassy T.’s Hygiene Corner

by Sassy T.

Preface by Jonathan Holley

In my circle of acquaintances there are two mildly neurotic males named Trevor. The youngest one, who is from Massachusetts, is referred to as ‘Trevor Trevor’ when shit is being talked behind his back. Trevor Trevor can do a staggering number of one-armed pull ups, which I find impressive. The older Trevor is a smug but likable security guard who loves to water ski. Looking at his teeth is like starring into the beam of a Mag Light from six inches away. This older Trevor came to be known as ‘Sassy Trevor’ because of his saunter and flirtatious manner. Later, Sassy Trevor’s nickname was shortened to ‘Sassy T.’ to the chagrin of his fiancée Jill, who feels mildly embarrassed about her man’s effeminate tendencies. Sassy T. very obviously whitens his teeth. This was an accepted if unverified truth among his acquaintances, as we all noticed his pearls gradually change from a disgusting yellow to a blinding white. For over a year, like Peter denied Jesus, Sassy T. denied his relationship with bleaching gel. Two weeks ago Sassy T. was having a horrible day with technology, and I was his only acquaintance in a position to help. Hard drives were crashing, software alerts politely alluded to total meltdown and an urgent need for system reinstall. Sassy T. needed a bootleg copy of Windows XP, fast. This article represents Trevor’s breaking point; the moment when he admitted his obsession with hygiene and agreed to write an essay about his tooth whitening in exchange for an illegal operating system install disc.

Today’s Topic: The Tooth Whitening Experience

Is being successful easier with a bright white smile? Well, if you believe it is, here’s a quick solution to a seemingly difficult problem. Crest products have come along way in the past five years. They now produce an item called “Night Effects”, currently selling for $12.99. It’s a steal for a brighter future stemming from a brighter smile. Like myself, you might think, I have not the time or patience for that kind of nonsense. But I assure you the ten minutes invested in a day is worth your time.Besides, your hygiene improves along the way!


  • Before sleeping, brush and floss those grungy yellow coffee stained treasures.
  • Next, apply the liquid gel with the easy to use brush provided. It will feel like you have just coated your teeth in glue, but in fact, the formula is encapsulating your teeth in a bleaching solution, which will whiten overnight.
  • Upon waking, spend another five minutes flossing and brushing your teeth, and you’re done.

You might ask, “Do I have to do this every day and over the weekends?”

The answer is a simple: “No you do not.”

If one can convince themselves to follow the procedure and make it habit Monday throughFriday, the weekend is free! By whitening five days out of the week, you have earned two days off. Not only that, but you’ve probably brushed and flossed more in those five days than you did before in two weeks.

And I leave you with this…The Feeling of Freshness:

Upon leaving the house of a morning, you feel as if you’ve just come from the dentist’s chair, but without the pain and bloody gums. Your teeth are miraculously becoming whiter day by day and they are now staying free of small food particles and no longer have that mucus film dangling upon them. With just two weeks of dedication, you can enjoy the pleasures of a brighter, whiter smile! More than two weeks is not necessary, but re-whitening every six months is suggested.

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