How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #19: January 2005

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • Several searchers found us seeking info on the mesmerizing Jackson family. Three asked the oracle that is Google, “where is michael jackson in america.” one hunted for “michael jackson skiing,” and a third scholar found us through the phrase “janet jackson looks stronger than men.” Yes, she does—and just daydreaming about her muscular thighs and potent abs gives us shivers.
  • An even thousand searchers found us looking for “suicide girls,” which isn’t entirely surprising given the males of our species’ near universal interest in slutty-looking punk rock girls.
  • What continues to baffle us is why so many query for “mole in the middle of her forehead.” 762 web surfers found us through that search string. Whose forehead? Is the mole in question a congenital blemish, a insectivorous mammal, or a disgusting sauce of Mexican origin? What is so intriguing about this woman and her mole?
  • “sensual stroll along the beach the sunset reflected in our eyes as we hold hands and enjoy the tide” is the longest phrase to ever lead a visitor to our little web page, and the most specific.
  • When a search string has a minus sign in it, it indicates that the word following is to be excluded; a person might search for “johnny america -gay,” for example, if one was interested in our site, and not the obscure homosexual actor who shares the same name. That’s why “brother fucking sister -gay” is such an odd query. Are there any web sites that show men fucking their sisters in “gay” ways? Isn’t brother on sister action inherently straight? Is there a proliferation of films showing queens wearing berets humping their XX-chromosomed kin while looking longingly across the room at some dude’s schlong, while simultaneously singing Pharaoh’s Song from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, or whatever? That would be amazing.
  • “buzz le boom” is an awesome string. If our regular writers ever form a band, “Buzz le Boom” is going to be on the short list of names.
  • We liked the sound “exploding sentences” a lot. We’ve talked to our web guy about getting a few for johnnyamerica dot net, and he said he’d try to get them going “real soon.”
  • We hope the thirteen-year-old boy who thought a search engine might know, “where the fuck are my nunchucks,” did not find the answer to his question. We wish the opposite for the individuals who searched for: “do mice climb on beds?” (yes, they do, and it is frightening), “public urination techniques” (there are so many inspired tactics!), “what to do if your stupid and can t deal with it” (start a zine or web site or both, silly), and “number of men i ve slept with” (it is probably more than you’d like, if you think the Internet holds that data).
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