Questions Writers of the S.A.T. Might Ask Themselves While Pondering the 2004 Academy Awards Acting Nominees

by Jay HOLLEY
 

Best Actor In a Supporting Role

If Jamie Foxx (Collateral) gave a better performance than Alan Alda (The Aviator), Morgan Freeman (Million Dollar Baby) out-acted Thomas Haden Church (Sideways), and Clive Owen (Closer) was superior Thomas Haden Church but not as good as Jamie Foxx, who deserves the Oscar more: Alan Alda, Jamie Foxx, or Morgan Freeman?

  1. Alan Alda
  2. Jamie Foxx
  3. Morgan Freeman
  4. There is not enough information to support a conclusion.


Best Actress In a Supporting Role

It was a little past midnight when Cate Blanchett (The Aviator) burst into the ‘Champagne Room’ where Laura Linney (Kinsey) and Virginia Madsen (Sideways) were stuffing note after note into Natalie Portman’s (Closer) sequined g-string. Sophie Okenodo (Hotel Rwanda) stepped into the crimson-lit sin-den a moment after Cate. Sophie glanced at pile of bills on the table then locked eyes with Cate, who urgently stammered, “my God, woman.” All the actress are “in character”.

The narrator would most likely describe Ms. Blanchett’s utterance during the incident as:

  1. Adeptly “in character”
  2. “Out of character”
  3. More confused than profound
  4. Both rational and thought-provoking


Best Actor In a Leading Role

Don Cheadle (Hotel Rwanda) and Johnny Depp (Finding Neverland) are in an Eastbound train that is eighty miles West of Leonardo DiCaprio (The Aviator), who is chained to the tracks. Their train is traveling sixty miles an hour. Clint Eastwood (Million Dollar Baby) is serving as navigator to Jamie Foxx (Ray), who is piloting a tricked-out Hummer H2. They are ten miles from Mr. Dicaprio and have a theoretical speed of over 100 miles per hour. All actors are “in character.” Which of the following is most true?

  1. Cheadle and Depp will reach DiCaprio’s location in less than 1 hour and 20 minutes
  2. Cheadle and Depp will certainly beat Eastwood and Foxx to DiCaprio
  3. Eastwood and Foxx would be “more fun”
  4. Cheadle and Depp will reach DiCaprio’s location in exactly 1 hour and 20 minutes


Best Actress In a Leading Role

Assume the talent of an actress can be determined by weighting the characters in their names according to a few simple rules. If each consonant in an actress’s name receives 1 point, each vowel 2 points (3 for ‘y’), each distinct word in their name carries a 5 point penalty, and each double-consonant earns 2 bonus points, which of the following statements is true:

  1. Annette Bening (Being Julia) is exactly as good and actress as Imelda Staunton (Vera Drake)
  2. Catalina Sandino Moreno (Maria Full of Grace) is not the best actress of 2004
  3. Catalina Sandino Moreno’s performance was exactly as good as the summed efforts of Hilary Swank (Million Dollar Baby) and Imelda Staunton
  4. Kate Winslet (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) is more than 1/3 as good Annette Bening
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