How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #20: February, 2005

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • “johnny cupcake” is a search string that piques our curiosity, unlike “funny cow saying,” which seems unique but lame.
  • We wonder whether whoever searched for “bugs bunny porn” is hunting for animated action because they’re into bunny rabbits, or because their bag is sexy cartoons.
  • Could whoever searched for “how to make 3d goth people” be working on a Toy-Story style erotic epic combining Warner Brothers characters and the Dark Lord’s children? We can think of at least one fellow who might be interested.
  • We hope there’s not a true story behind “12 year old kill sister over hamburger.” No hamburger is that good.
  • “my sister loves dog cock” is a novel in five words. You don’t need pages and pages of exposition; your mind fills in the back story automatically—a Midwestern trailer park, an alcoholic father, a frisky beagle, and an angst-ridden little brother with a bad tattoo who knows too much for his own good.
  • “pine sol drunk” doesn’t sound nearly as appealing as “girls that show it all.” They all show it all, after two drinks and three complements, unless you give them Pine Sol. Pour a lass with decent taste a jigger of Pine Sol and she’ll throw it in your Commie eyes.
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