How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #21: March, 2005

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.

March brought us visitors from around the globe hunting for a medley of curious items and fascinating data.

  • “fucked jimmy fallon”: Everybody’s doing it, or so we hear, but surprisingly only three individuals hunting for that phrase made their way to our site.
  • A second S.N.L.-related query had us wondering who’s the fool looking for web pages about “tina fey jimmy fallon love”? Do people really think that brunette sarcast-o-bot is capable of human emotion?
  • “humorous boat names” is an interesting list to be seeking. Sadly we have none of those here at Johnny America H.Q. We take our boats seriously.
  • “how she took dog cock” is indeed question for the ages, and we wish we could provide an answer. Was it sweet and tender beagle love? Was it raunchy action with forbidden fruit that is the Lhasa Apso?
  • J.A. Regular Kyle Sundby’s name sent twenty visitors our way thanks to a story of his gracing McSweeney’s. Congratulations, Kyle, and please keep getting more famous—we like getting your second-hand web traffic.
  • The phrase “john travolta gay please tell me if truth to that” reminds J.A. Writer Jonathan Holley of the time his mother refused to let him in on the fiction that is Santa Claus. “Is he real, Mom, you can tell me,” he demanded every day for a week. She just bit her lip and asked, “why do you want to know?” Here is the truth: John Travolta is the gayest man on earth. He is likely having homo sex right this very second. Ignore the fact that he is married to a woman with beautiful smile, hard-nosed attitude, unbelievable sex appeal, and gargantuan rack: John Travolta is gay. He just keeps the pretty wife around for publicity photos and for videotaping all the sodomy.
  • Two individuals found our site by looking for “women who look like aunt jemima.”
  • “breakfast menu and burrito and progressive” got our minds racing. A “progressive”breakfast burritos? Think of the possibilities! Whether the searcher was looking for a quick commie breakfast or a free-range treat we’re not positive, but either sounds dandy to us. As do “tiny girls who fuck bottles,” “cows dressed up like buffaloes,” and “mildly amusing videos nunchucks.” Animal impersonations are always a gas and it’s invariably a worry that a nunchuck video will be bit too hilarious, so we like to stick with the “mildly amusing” variety too.
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