How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #23: May, 2005

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.

For unknown reasons, donut-related queries were rampant. Pictures and prices seemed to be of greater concern than brand cache:

  • “picture of long john donut”
  • “sugar glazed donuts pictures” (two variations)
  • “glazed chocolate donut photos”
  • “boston creme donut” (three searches)
  • “price of one glazed krispy kreme donut”
  • “how much does a sprinkled donut cost”
  • “cost of munchkins dunkin donuts”

We suggest to these would-be olicook oglers that a simple trip to their local bakery will both satisfy pricing inquiries and provide photographic subjects.

  • “please fuck my sister” is an odd plea to make to a web page—but okay, we give in, so long as she promises to let us play “scary music and spooky sounds tracks” while we make the two-backed beast. Also, she shouldn’t mind a “dale earnhardt jr kfc bucket” filled with “pink gumdrops candy” resting on her belly pre-, post-, and mid-coitus. Ideally, in fact, that should really “rev her engine.” She is the “hot college girl with belly button ring” that so many of May’s visitors were hunting, right, the one who “gets drunk and has anal sex?” We hope she wears “hussy bicycle clothing,” before we rip it off. She better not be the “sister humping the dog” we read about in our log files, ‘cause that shit is sick.
  • “nose with lead pencil stabbing” is wonderful because you reflexively imagine a back-story for the query. “kkk with nunchucks” and “bite an apple through a picket fence” are similarly image-evocative.
  • “a preacher and dinner manners” is something we’re all looking for; let us know if you find one.
  • As usual, about a dozen queries for “cool band name” led visitors our way. If you’re on the world wide web hunting a name because your drummer’s that uncreative, please do us a favor and name yourself something like “musty scent,” so we’ll know not to grace the Replay Lounge.
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