My Telekinetic Powers: Day 8 After Their Mysterious Appearance


8:20 — Press Snooze button with concentrated thought, for second time.

9:05 — Traffic, again. Imagine flinging ’88 Prelude whose flat tire is holding things up into Circuit City parking lot.

9:10 — Slide radio dial to Hot 103 Jamz, using brainwaves.

10:14 — Does no one else in the meeting realize Hannigan is retarded? Consider imploding his skull after he pulls a third color of dry erase marker from his breast pocket. Defer action for the moment.

12:37 — Lunch with Kate from Marketing. Impress her by levitating and emptying packet of artificial sweetener into her iced tea, assuring her of more impressive tricks to be shared in closed quarters. Feign nonchalance when she offers her phone number.

2:24 — Chuckle after Department of Homeland Security call center representative denies request for appointment.

2:25 — Wonder military value of ethically neutral telekinetic expert to rouge nation-states and terror cells.

2:26 — Research mercenaries and black market arms on Internet.

4:10 — Float quarters from pocket, gently depositing into soda machine. Shake can and attempt to control fizz burst; feel disappointment at sight of splattered drops. Pledge to practice molecular manipulation for an hour this evening.

5:07 — Force open mechanical arm at parking garage gate with barely a thought.

6:00 — Use powers to manipulate buttons on remote control, tuning in classic Mama’s Family episode on local family programming affiliate. Ruminate over metaphysical ramifications of remotely controlling remote.

7:01 — Practice molecular and atomic manipulation; succeed in boiling water, accidentally explode a bottle of champagne.

11:10 — Flip light switch from bed. Weigh pros and cons of super-villainy and super-heroism. Envision bold costumes and secret lairs.

You Might Consider Visiting

Our Online Shop


How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #24: June, 2005 »

« Last Day of School