How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #24: June, 2005

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.

Why fifty-seven individuals sought “roasted mummified chickens,” we cannot be sure. We thank Yahoo! for sending them our way, and hope they become regular readers.

  • “naked girls on motorbikes” was also a common search for June (sixteen searches). We wonder about chaffing issues. Are bruised thighs integral to their appeal?
  • How lazy must a man be to search the Internet for “‘old sexy broads”They are everywhere! Head to your local cafeteria or yarn outlet and you will not be disappointed.
  • Whoever asked Google to find “dungeon dragons character awesome”’ is surely a nerd, worthy of milk-money theft, but at least their query is enthusiastic. “unable to stay awake after eating,” by contrast, sounds defeatist.
  • “my wife puts makeup on me” sparks curiosity because the phrasing doesn’t betray the motive for this eyeliner-laden husband’s query. Does he want advice on calling her painting to a halt? Does he think her makeovers make him like a whore? Is he longing for a more natural look?
  • “running retard,” “necrophiliac std,” and “marionette thunderbird” all sound like snippets of contrivedly “edgy” poetry.
  • “show me pictures of mexican breakfast burritos” is a demand we wish we could obey, but who can bother with a camera when there are delicious eggs and chunks of spicy sausages wrapped in a golden grilled tortilla shell?
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