How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #26: August, 2005

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • “drunk sexy mom doing sex with her son friend try 2 fuck me with pix” is such a poorly-formed phrase that we can barely summon the energy to guess at its meaning. Ok, so there’s a randy mother dancing the in-out with her sons pal—that part of the image we can decipher—but then are those two, while screwing, somehow trying to “fuck” the searcher with dirty pictures? Do they roll up Polaroids, jam them in their computer’s disk drive, then blast them through the Internet and into his anus? Is that what this search query requests?
  • “hairy abs hairy thighs” is a truism if we ever heard one, though we have less faith in the assertion that “mike is an asshole.” Maybe one Mike is an asshole, perhaps a dozen, but surely this isn’t Universal.
  • “massage asia hanky,” “hideous cake,” and “thunderbird burritos” intrigue with almost-guessable questions and half-formed images.
  • “pic of people on guam doing tricks on bikes” is such a delightful request that we wish we could grant it, but unfortunately we’re just a lit zine with nary a BMX in sight.
  • It seems whoever sought “feces odor interpretation dream” had a dream where shit stank, and now they’re attempting to tease out meaning. They should realize that feces smells day and night, sleep or wake, and that they are far too introspective.
  • Dear requester of “mini skirt and wide hips or big hips or thick legs or chunky legs or thick thighs advice fashion style”: take this sound counsel: stay away from mini skirts—they are for the thin. Sure, skinny girls get to wear all the best clothes, but take comfort in knowing you won’t shiver so much as them during the nuclear winter.
  • We wonder, do requested get any more upbeat than: “pictures of people / cartoons skateboarding on rainbows?”
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