How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #27: September, 2005

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • “johnny likes skinny girls” tells us a lot about Johnny, but leaves us wanting for a more complete biography. Does Johnny dislike chunky lasses? Who is he, exactly? Is his hair soft like fox fur?
  • Yahoo! sends us so many queries for bestiality pics that it sometimes makes us feel dirty, but “dog cock wife” has such urgency, such directness, that we hope this searcher found the images he was looking for.
  • When you find yourself typing “when your boyfriend stops all communication with you” into the Google search box, it’s time to acknowledge that it’s over. If this makes you blue and you need a shoulder to cry on, send us an e-mail and we’ll direct a Johnny America intern to your house with a bottle of wine.
  • “where the fuck is lead found?” manages to show scientific curiosity and base vulgarity simultaneously. So few sentences pull it off—it’s refreshing.
  • “i want to fuck my sister in a boat”; is an odd statement to “ask” a search engine on the Internet. What if you typed Suessian poems into the Alta-Vista search box instead? Think how great this would’ve been: I fucked my sister in a boat / I fucked her near a murky moat / I fucked my sister with a goat / the three of us built a zygote.
  • “when did girls become stronger and more muscular than boys” is an odd one. Has this really happened? Looking around the bar I’m sitting in, it’s all flappy necks and pendular breasts on the ladies—the boys are all beefcake, wearing Speedos and flexing their well-oiled muscles. Obviously, they’re hanging out in the wrong locales.
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