Johnny America’s Holiday Gift Ideas

by Emily LAWTON
 

Don’t your loved ones deserve the best, most unique gifts in the world? Well, you no longer have to scour the bazaars of Marrakesh to find that special something—get the internet to do it for you! We’re getting down to the wire, so if you’re still stuck for ideas, here are a few recommended items:

For the lonely women in your life, how about a fourth of a torso? Hug Me Pillow

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Nothing says love like cuddling up at night with disembodied parts. And reviewers give it five stars! Super snuggly!

If you think she’ll look at that and say, “where’s the beef?” maybe she’s the type who’d enjoy this suggestive ironing board. Ooh la la!

Hunky Mark Ironing Board

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“The heat from the iron whips off his loin cloth, leaving you with more than an eyeful of what’s dangling underneath.” It doesn’t get better than that, ladies (and schlong-loving gentlemen).

And listen, who doesn’t like animals? Well, now your loved one will be reminded of you each and every month as he or she devours some more (alligator) or less (beef?) exotic meats.

Exotic meat of the month club

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For that classy friend or relative, this visually stunning and humorous art print might be just the thing:

One Tequila, Two Tequila

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Note that they’ve classified this item in “gifts for her,” perhaps because of the pink words.

Dad shouldn’t have to suffer from the dreaded “snow blowback.”

Craftsman Deluxe Snow Thrower Cab, Black

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Cozy! Like he has his own place!

For the kids, nothing beats administering a mild electric shock by pretending it’s a game…

Lightening Reaction Game

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“Are we being punished?”

“No, we’re having fun!”

WARNINGS! * Keep out of reach of children. * This product emits an electric shock. * May interfere with electrical devices such as pacemakers. * Not to be used by pregnant women. * Do not use if you suffer from epilepsy or similar related illness.

And don’t forget a present for Princess:

Jackie O Pillbox Hat for Pampered Dogs

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Did that cover everyone on your list? If not, let us know in the comments section, and we’ll provide personalized recommendations for those hard-to-shop-for types.

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