Johnny America Recommends St. Patrick’s Day Products

by Emily LAWTON

You may remember when we advised you on all the best holiday gifts for your beloved friends and family. But now, with St. Patrick’s Day right around the corner, you might be wondering: Hey! What are the best products out there through which I can show my Irish pride?

Pleased to oblige.

Things for the home

For your, um… St. Patrick’s Day tree, a lovely ornament:

Long Live the Irish! Ornament


And hey, it says 2004 on it! Two years ago! It’s like you’re celebrating in the past.

Ah, and here’s that tree we were talking about:

St. Patrick’s Day Decorating Set spdecoratingset.jpg

What a festive collection of leftover crap! You’ve got that odd tree, a string of green lights, a miniature leprechaun with— what is that, a mandolin?— a wee shamrock flag, and a suction cup shamrock on a spring. It’s so good of them to collect these items for you; otherwise, you’d have to buy them all separately, and who has time for that?

I know what you’re thinking: what could be better than drinking green beer? Remember that special feeling all year round with this classic poster of a pint of green beer. St. Patrick’s Day, Green Beer

Mmm… doesn’t that look delicious?

Drink out of this guy’s head, and I promise you nightmares until next St. Patrick’s Day: Google Eye St Pat Mug


Perhaps you might be saying, “you know, I’m not sure what I’m more proud of: being Irish, or being gay. Also: I need a place to store things.” Problem solved! Gay Irish St Patrick’s Day Rainbow Tile Box


Keep at least ten of these in there: St Patrick’s Condom Pop


Unless you’re a lesbian. I’d hate to leave out the lesbians, so…um… green dental dam? Heavy Gauge Green Mint-Flavored Dental Dam


I actually find this one a little depressing. I mean, come on, he’s never going to get to that goddamned pot of gold.

St. Patrick’s Day Pot of Gold Waterglobe


Things to wear:

“Hey Lawton!” you might be thinking, “sitting around the house on St. Patrick’s Day is for old ladies and wee babies. I need some way to show my Irish pride out-and-about!” You got it: Shut up and kiss me, you Irish fool! Inviting strangers to kiss you via t-shirt is a risky proposition at best. The only reason to buy this one is so you can put it your friend after he’s had 10 green beers.


The person with those green lips is no one I want to kiss in any situation.

I wouldn’t even want to know how many green beers it would take to get someone into this little number:
St. Patrick’s Day Vest


Somehow the fifty cents apiece they’re asking for these still seems like too much.

Oh grandpa, you so crazy!
Mini St. Patrick’s Day Leprechaun Hat


Hey! Do you want a crappy-looking apron you can only wear one day a year? Happy to oblige: St. Patrick’s Day - Adult-Child Hand-Painted Apron Set


And guess what? There are matching placemats.



“Hmm…. all that stuff is great, but is there some way I can look like more of a jackass this St. Patrick’s Day?” Is there ever!

Adult St. Patrick’s Day Leprechaun Hat


Green Wig


Irish Willie’s St. Patrick’s Hat/Shirt Combo


St. Patrick’s Beer Mug Hat


“But wait,” you’re likely saying, “how is my dog supposed to celebrate this occasion? He can only drink one beer, and then he passes out!”

St. Patrick’s Day Dog Costume

St Patrick’s Day Yogurt Covered Lady Paws Gourmet Dog Treat - 2 pack

That ought to get Rex or Mitzi into just the right mood for some holiday revelry.

We’re always glad to suggest products to our readers, even for the most minor of holidays. We firmly believe that the correct celebratory aids can increase enjoyment tenfold. So have fun, and be careful out there.

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