Plan X

by Writer X

The question was posed: “What if you suddenly had to change your life? What if Plans A through W crapped out? What is the next to last resort (Z being death)?”

And the answers are.

  • Lighthouse Keeper
  • Shepherd (not likely: dying professions, scant opportunities.)
  • Sail Bum
  • Leader of the Revolution of the Homeless—homeless people take over the American South. Southerners are displaced to the North Country. Shit goes crazy.
  • Ace live-action surrogate inseminator. Includes massage, pedicure.
  • Secret Gardener—requires a substantial windfall of cash. Buy a big tract of land (including water features), far in the country. Completely enclose the property with a formidable barrier of poisonous and thorny plants and trees, stone walls, wooden walls, electric and barbed wires, beehives, wasps’ nests, and prime snake and skunk habitat. Within the barricade, construct several beautiful and discreet residential and utility buildings, and make the most beautiful garden in the world—so beautiful as to evoke intense joy in all human visitors, joy which lasts for the length of the visit. At first, the garden is kept a deep secret by a privileged few. World leaders come for summits, surreptitiously. Eventually, word of the garden’s euphoric effect leaks out and uninvited visitors try to break into the garden. A few succeed and experience the garden’s effect. Word spreads like fire and the garden is mobbed. Tens of thousands of people camp out on the perimeter and lay siege, attempting to broach the garden’s formidable barricades. The skunks perform magnificently. Within, the secret gardener and a handful of valiant allies create ingenious defenses (Swiss Family Robinson vs. the pirates) and bravely oppose the invaders—for naught. The secret gardener dies impaled on a hedge apple; the garden is overwhelmed, trampled and destroyed; and joy disappears forever. It ends, as usual, with cannibalism.
  • The John Muir: walk across the country twice; east to west, north to south. Learn to play the fiddle along the way. When the money runs out, barter skills and services (fiddle-playing).
  • Conform. Get in line, accept a quiet desperation. Become a collector of heavy and useless things.
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