How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #33: April & May, 2006

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.

Loyal “How You Might’ve Found” readers: hello and thank you for your patience. April skated by without our noticing. Do you know the feeling of a day displaced? Say you feel Saturday, your marrow tells you so. You go about glad and with a skip in your step, to the Bergen Bagel or the park for kite-flying, then late in the day you remember you forgot and whoops, it’s Sunday and you have to work tomorrow but the laundry’s not done and there are errands to run. April was a month displaced.

  • As usual, the pornographic topped our query-list. We won’t bore you with the teen slut searches, but “asian man humping objects while peanut butter jelly time plays” and “her hairy pussy persian -carpet -rug -carpets -rugs -gay -bestiality” were fascinatingly specific.
  • Our sympathies stretch across the Internet like tendrils for the person who asks Google, “how to get my kitten to sleep at night instead of daytime.” NyQuil works on children, if I recall my youth accurately, and as a amateur biologist I’ll wager the cure works on mammals of every dimension.
  • We wonder what the brain behind the search “pics of insects found in human shit” had in mind. Did they suspect colonies of spiders and rolly pollies hanging out in their rectums, catching the brown bus for a holiday to see the sea, or were they looking for snapshots of the creepies that crawled in, post facto? The first option’s charming, the last a bit perverse.
  • The search string “shag my sister” was pleasing if boring to see, like all things British.
  • Both “world of toyota corollas since 1982” and “dread and anxiety heidegger blows” induced smiles, though “please remove my nonsensical asian tattoo” is possibly the best phrase we’ve ever seen in the server logs. In six words it implies a story of youthful trend-tracking followed by adult redemption.
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