Saturday Night Live


I caught a second-run Saturday Night Live — one of last season’s highlights, I gathered. [Starlet A] was hosting, plugging her latest theatrical release. She was wearing a classy chiffon dress that framed her classy chest. The camera cut close as she cracked a punchline and even without the razor-sharp picture promised by [Consumer Electronics Manufacturer 1]’s new line of high-definition televisions, I could see the freckle islands spotting her creamy white ocean of skin. Skin is [Starlet A]’s fifth best feature, following hair, tits, ass, and sass.

If only [Starlet A] were in my living room, I considered, and not involved with the beaus [Tabloid 1] rumors her to be courting — if she were here, in my living room, she would not be the kind of girl to mind our ten year age gap. It would excite her, if she were here and not there. I resolved that I’d offer her a glass of [Premium Beverage A], for which I knew from page eight of last month’s [Tabloid 2] she’s grown a healthy appetite. I might joke that my tongue was a sea monster, then lick her freckle islands as casually as if I hadn’t been plotting the maneuver before she’d left NBC studios and caught a First Class flight to my house on [Street Named After a State].

Then [Starlet A] interrupted my seduction by donning a [Hair Color 1] wig for a mediocre skit, which made me think of [Starlet B], who also has [Hair Color 1], and her sister, [Starlet C], who naturally has [Hair Color 2] but who, according to [Tabloid 2], recently dyed her hair [Hair Color 1], which has roused a grave rift between [Starlet B] and [Starlet C] who, as sisters, are natural rivals and as such likely prone to late-night cat fights in lingerie that never lead to lesbianism, since they are sisters after all.

[Starlet B] and [Starlet C] both have both promising music and film careers, I contemplated. [Starlet A] does too, though I think of her as an actress-turned-singer, unlike the other two, whose career trajectories fly opposite ([Starlet A]’s, not each other’s). I thought of [Starlet A]’s growing dramatic chops and also what her freckle islands would taste like drizzled in marinara sauce, of whether they’d seem like volcanoes — a thousand Vesuvii tracing the muscle of an angel. Thinking of islands conjured images of sharks, and [Starlet D], whose toned [Anatomical Feature 1] I admired earlier in the day, painted across the cover of her latest new-to-video release, when I was renting [Starlet C]’s new-to-video indie flick at Blockbuster. [Starlet D]’s DVD cover shows an ocean and a wave and [Starlet D], of course, who probably has the best [Anatomical Feature 2] in all of popular culture, which is an achievement. I’m not sure there was a shark on the video box, but maybe — there’s a beach, at least, I think, and an ocean for certain, and [Starlet D] looks a fox in that bikini that I wished wasn’t there before wishing it back.

I think about [National Pizza Chain A] and [National Pizza Chain B] and then [National Pizza Chain C], which has always been delicious but has become quite fashionable since [Starlet B] signed on as spokes-actress for their television commercials, which was a smart move on part of [National Pizza Chain C]’s marketers since it makes sense to load all the pixels of today’s high-definition and high-def “ready” televisions with images of phenomenal pizza and delicious breasts. I don’t have a [Consumer Electronics Manufacturer 2] HTDV set yet, but the image looks tolerable on my obsolete [Consumer Electronics Manufacturer 1] television, enough for me to imagine the HDTV clarity, anyway. [Starlet C] was in one of those pizza commercials, sitting at a picnic table looking tired and in need of a back rub.

Yes, I decided, [Starlet A] would roll with the marinara. “Watch out for my chiffon dress,” she’d warn, so I’d smile and offer remove the endangered garment. She’d blush but accept and then I’d see her naked, freckles and moles, and I’d examine her [Anatomical Feature 3] at full resolution. I wondered if the picture would be clear as what I’d see on a [Consumer Electronics Manufacturer 3] high-definition television set. Her breathy whispers would lack digital enhancement and Dolby Surround imaging, which I’ve always considered vital to her charm. The skit ended and a commercial began. A giant burrito flashed across the screen, and my mind turned to nacho cheese.and carne asada beef.

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