How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #34: June, 2006

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.

By the scorecard, June was our best month ever—we hosted over 9000 “unique visitors.” Still, of the 1388 distinct search engine search strings used to navigate her from across the wild world web, 1386 were uninspired.

  • “my heart bled like never before” brings to mind an interesting image. Picture a mousy-haired gamine breaking the news to her brooding Goth beau that she can no longer tolerate his vampyre ways. As she walks out of his mother’s basement his heart erupts like Vesuvius.
  • “corn on the cobbed grilled” is misspelled, of course, but it still sounds delicious. According to etiquette, the polite diner is supposed to butter only a few rows of corn at a time—nibbling, buttering, nibbling, buttering. The modern lady ignores this outmoded convention.
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