Johnny America Recommends: Halloween Costumes

by Emily LAWTON

What will you be for Halloween this year?

With ten days to go and counting, the desperate many are combing the shelves at Walgreens for that perfect Halloween costume that’s less than twenty dollars and perfectly encapsulates not what they are, but what they want to be.

But that’s not for you, dear reader. With the help of your friends at Johnny America, you’ll find the perfect alter-ego with plenty of time left over to soap windows, tp houses, and perform other trickeries.

One good way to pick a costume is just to look around and see what’s nearby. Anything can be a costume! Table? Yes. Tree? You bet. Pocketknife? Check. Hot dog? Without a doubt. And bring friends, ketchup and mustard.
HJAblackjacktable.jpg HJAscarytree.jpgHJApocketknife.jpgHJAHotdogman.jpgHJAketchupmustard.jpg


Because dressing like Scooby Doo just doesn’t seem like enough anymore, there’s now Scooby Doo dressed as a vampire. Has it come to this? Costumes dressed as other costumes? What next, Buzz Lightyear with a witch’s hat? Frankenstein dressed as a naughty nurse?

HJAScoobydoovampire.JPG *Incongruous white gym socks not included.


Oh, here it is. Gorilla dressed as a hula dancer. Naturally.



Word-play costumes like this “chick magnet” or “hung like a horse” [you look it up] are a great way to be sure you don’t get laid this Halloween.

On the other hand, if you’re a woman and you wear this “Gold Digger” [note the miniature golden shovels at the waist] costume, you might still get laid. But don’t expect him to stick around for breakfast.

Sometimes one man’s everyday wear is another man’s Halloween costume. See:
We didn’t say they looked good everyday.

Halloween is a time when people think anything could be sexy, even something as seemingly repellant as an insect.

For the record, the one on the right is “ladybug.” I’m glad to know that our recent discussion of insect porn has sparked its own freaky cosplay branch.

A less sexy but more blasphemous option for that keg party is this costume: Mary, Mother of Jesus.


Finally, if you (like the Blessed Virgin) were unfortunate enough to have spawned a child, you might want to consider these wee costumes:
Birthday Party Magician!
Illegal Immigrant!
Member of Gwen Stephani’s “posse!”
Um… surface upon which Jews play Hannukah games!


In a similar vein, we heartily recommend dressing your dog as a rabbi.

Or, if your dog seems a little shaigetz for that, you can always dress him up as… a dog.

Costumes can be purchased at: 3 Wishes, Anytime Costumes, ABoyd, Amazon, Annie’s Costumes, Halloweenmart, and Costume Shop. But please, give it serious thought before you do.

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