Tom Conoboy Knows the Answers # 2

by Tom CONOBOY
 

Tom Conoboy, who says “knickers” instead of underwear, because he’s British, and who knows far more than mere mortals can grasp, because he was a librarian, occasionally answers the questions that we editors of Johnny America find ourselves baffled by. The following is the second set of said queries.

Q. Why is Naomi Campbell so angry?

Q. You said that the worst way to die is “before you’re ready.” But wouldn’t that be the worst time to die? Also, I think most people die before they feel ready. And that would imply that “before you’re ready” is in fact average, not worst. What about “before you’re ready and also while being eaten alive by badgers”? Isn’t that worse?

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  1. Why is Naomi Campbell so angry?

There are lots of theories regarding this. One recent study suggested a lack of carbohydrate in the typical stick model’s diet turns estrogen into testosterone, but this has been clearly debunked, otherwise the fragrant and charming Helena Christensen would display similarly ogreish sensibilities.

Other suggestions include having a chip (British word for French fry) on her shoulder, but her shoulders aren’t wide enough so that can’t be true either.

No, the reason is surprisingly simple. As a supermodel, a symbol of all that is suave and chic in our hectic world, Naomi Campbell is still best remembered for falling off shoes the size of a low rise apartment and flashing her fanny at the world’s cameras. Even now, it still rankles Ms Campbell that this will undoubtedly be her epitaph and the story refuses to die.

Oops, Johnny America may just have ensured that another Campbell housemaid gets the sack …

  1. The worst way to die is before you’re ready and being eaten alive by badgers.

I can’t agree with the motion. Badgers are carnivores, quite big carnivores. Therefore, they will be capable of taking quite large chunks out of you. With good fortune, your mauling at the teeth of a belligerent badger would be brief, if brutal.

What would be much, much worse would be to be eaten alive by a vegetarian animal, let’s say a rabbit. Think about it. One, their teeth are small and stubby, not designed for cutting through meat. It’s going to take time. At first, it’s going to feel like being tickled to death. After a while, the rabbit might get the hang of it and start biting a bit harder but it’s still going to be a long slog. And two, and I think this is the main point, can you imagine the existential angst that will be going through that lifelong vegetarian’s mind? Every mouthful of your flesh is going to cause it to recoil in distaste. Remember the first time you tasted spinach? That’s what it’ll be like for the rabbit, but a thousand times worse. It’ll have to force down every mouthful. All in all, it’s going to be horribly slow.

Let’s face it, death by rabbit could take weeks. You’d be screaming for a passing badger to come and finish you off.

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