How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #37: November & December, 2006

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • Why 49 searchers–a full three percent of December’s Google traffic–found our site looking for the word “butt,” we do not know. Here at Johnny America Headquarters we like butts; we find them alluring and comforting like Campbell’s Tomato Soup and enjoy resting our heads on others’ butts while watching video rentals, eating popcorn dusted with salt and pepper, and sipping a 2003 California Red Zinfandel that’s an outstanding value at twelve dollars and goes surprisingly well with well-buttered corn. We wish there were more butts in the world.
  • One November searcher came to us from Yahoo! looking for “chomsky halloween costume.” We’re really inspired by their advance planning. Halloween 2007 is still ten months away and they’re already researched exactly which fuzzy grandpa sweater will help them best impersonate the Chomskinator. Whoever you are, you are wonderful.
  • We wonder about the query for, “sex picture of america.” Was the searcher expecting to find images of continental canoodling, with North America and it rather suggestive Floridian Peninsula somehow groping South America via rapid tectonic shifts? We hope there were hoping for something along those lines and not ho-hum skin pics.
  • We felt whoever asked the question, “how zombies came to earth?” deserved an answer, so we asked J.A. Handyman Brandon Crain’s eight-year-old niece who was watching Animal Planet in the living room what her thoughts on zombie origins were. “God?” she questioned-speculated. Clearly she’s completely irrational.
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