Diary Entry for Feb. 14th, 2008

by Dave GUNN

Dearest Diary:

Why, why, why did I ever buy Dwayne that damn I-PHONE camera doohickey? He is driving me BANANAS! Mama was over tonight for dinner (note to self: some Valentine’s present, huh?) and every time Mama would turn her head he would take a picture of her rear-end or snatch and show it to me. told him over and over, “I know where I came from doodiehead, you ain’t gotta show me!”

Speaking of which, it was just two weeks ago today that he got the bright idea for a photo shoot using his I-PHONE, a photo shoot that Dwayne said would “spice up our flavorless love nest,” or as I refer to it, OUR WATERBED. (note to self: get on his ass about the leak under the pillows). Now, the first few outfits that I wore for the photo shoot got me hot and sweaty in all the right areas. I wore my extra small t-shirt that I got at Knotts Berry Farm along with them extra small spandex shorts we found at Family Thrift. Wow! My breasts, thighs and lungs could barely breathe, and my rear end was pinched over and over by the lens of his I-PHONE. I wanted to taste him in my mouth that felt suffocated.

Then the dummy goes and gets Charlie the boa constrictor out of the front room and makes me get butt naked after slicking my hair back with gel, wrapping Charlie around my neck like I’m Cleopatra or some Amazonian crap. I wouldn’t have minded, but no one has given a bath to poor Charlie or cleaned his cage out in over a month and he was so damn cold that night as Dwayne ain’t fed him for few days. I told Dwayne, “Start Snapping before I start Squirming,” and that Charlie just kind of laid on me, didn’t move much.

Of course, the damn I-PHONE started ringing and it was Dwayne’s Daddy on the phone and he has the gall to start telling him what we’re doing, in DETAIL! All the while Charlie starts licking my hard nipples with his slippery tongue, moving like quicksilver in and out of his mouth. I had no complaints for a while, but then Charlie’s head started moving down further onto my stomach and other areas below that and I screamed, “This snake is bound for glory Dwayney Babe!” When Dwayne saw what was happening he came over and swapped Charlie’s head away and he finally hung up the stupid I-PHONE. Then that dirty ol’ Dwayne started telling me ways to pose sexy with Charlie, saying it was “Snakes on a Playmate, Snakes on a Playmate!” which I thought was just so damn cute. Why can’t he say that all the time?

I stormed out of Dwayne’s Photo Shoot though when he made me change into my wedding dress and lay on the floor in the missionary position with my dress all hiked up my rear. He lit the leftover candles from our wedding and lit up some licorice-scented incense. Then he turned on some Bel Biv Devoe crap that I can’t stand and left the room. So there I am, just laying on my back, and before I know it Dwayne is carrying in a bunch of stuffed animals from the kid’s room and he lays them all over me in different positions like it was a fur-ball gang-bang. I told Dwayne, “Sugar, this ain’t my idea of a sex casserole!” Then I went into the other room and sat in my wedding dress watching some episodes of MOONLIGHTING that I got on DVD from Netflix. (note to ABC: You need to dump that Bruce Willis and get a real man on the show, someone who really knows how to fuck.)


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