How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #40: August, 2007

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • There’s nothing inherently intriguing about the search phrase “105.” One hundred and five isn’t a bad number—it’s the sum of the first five square pyramidal numbers, after all—but it’s nothing special. But we have to wonder why Yahoo! direct eighteen distinct individuals looking for more information about “105” in the month of August. Oh, the mystery.
  • What’s impressive about the query “rebound signs sex -basketball” is the searcher’s complete lack of interest in detecting rebound signs on the basketball court, which can be surprisingly useful if you get challenged to a three-person pickup game and money’s on the line—the minus sign in front of “basketball” instructs the search engine to exclude sports-related results. This lonely heart is focused, perhaps obsessive, and we wonder if that’s not part of their problem.
  • We like to picture the a frail but hyper-rational Germanic matron typing “opposite of penis” into the Google search box with the hope that it would would follow similar anatomical logic to hers and return the English term “vagina.” Instead it sent her to Eli S. Evan’ story “A Crumb in My Penis,” which is far better reading than say a lame Wikipedia entry about lady parts.
  • The query “Emily Lawtonini” conjures an image of J.A. co-Editor Emily Lawton with her red hair switched to black and the switchblade in her purse transformed into a Venetian stiletto.
  • “What would a metamorphosis be without a laughter?” one visitor asked. Like, “coughing up green phlegm with toenails,” we imagine—disgusting.
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