Variegated: Many colored (adj.)

by David BACKER

Aloha. This story arrive in our Inbox with an origin tale. Variegated is part of a series of shorts inspired by the meanings of words that people need to know for the Graduate Record Examination (GRE), written by the author in an attempt to make studying for the test bearable. He’s written many such stories, and it’s our pleasure to present this one to you.—Aloha, J.A.

Have you ever meditated on the top of a very tall mountain and a toucan shat on your shoulder and you said “oh shit, a toucan just shat on my shoulder,” and an elephant walked by and harrumphed and you asked him about the laws of the jungle and if there were any robe-shitting rules, and after you asked your question you imagined that the elephant was walking with a baby elephant that was as small as a mouse even though elephants are supposed to be afraid of mice, and then you imagined that this tiny elephant was friends with all the mice in the jungle and that this baby mouse elephant couldn’t understand why his family got so freaked out at the dinner circle when he told them honestly where he was spending his spare time, and that the baby mouse baby elephant’s best friend was a mouse named Sam and that Sam was all sorts of interesting colors and was known throughout the forest for being the mac-daddy with all the lady toucans, and so you guessed that it was probably a female toucan shitting with delight when she saw Sam hanging out with the baby mouse elephant, therefore causing the disruption of your search for enlightenment?

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