My Father’s Bloomsday
4:00AM. Wake up. Groan in an exaggerated manner. Go to bathroom. Excavate mucous from throat in an exaggerated manner. Go downstairs. Turn on CNN very loud. Make fresh squeezed orange juice. Go to backyard. Prune roses, move around large piles of soil, saw down tree stump. Go back inside. Sand down hardwood floors with electric sander. Tell wife to go back to sleep. Turn on CNN louder. Get two Snapples from the fridge. Drive to tennis courts. Play tennis with other semi-retired, moderately wealthy and emotionally unreceptive men. Come back from tennis. Shower. Turn on CNN. Ask wife why she turned off CNN. Put in dentures. Apply large amounts of hair gel. Go to work. Finish algorithm #1. Finish algorithm #2. Email friends and family politically insensitive jokes found online. IM Senior Vice President. Argue re: severance pay over IM. Take 3 hour lunch break. Drive to Macy’s. Attempt to return sweater purchased 80% OFF at another Macy’s four months ago for full price. Argue with customer service representative. Pronounce fuck ‘falk’. Leave Macy’s and drive to Copeland’s Sports. Attempt to return used tennis elbow band. Argue with customer service representative. Say ‘falk’ again. Buy two tennis rackets. Drive to Brendan Theatres. Buy ticket. Sit down in seat reserved for handicapped persons. Watch first twenty minutes of movie. Fall asleep. Go back to work. IM Senior Vice President re: severance pay. Finish algorithm #3. Check eBay account for status of Rolex sale. Email highest bidder: Meet me at the airport on Thursday, bring seven thousand dollars cash. Begin algorithm #4. Email son vague emails about his grandmother. Turn off computer. Drive home. Listen to AM radio very loud. Stop by Home Depot. Buy caulking gun, coarse sand paper, and 12 tubes of caulk. Get home. Turn on CNN very load. Apply caulk to random crevices throughout house. Go to bathroom. Sit on toilet. Grunt in futility for five minutes. Take off dentures for dinner. Eat large amounts of food very fast. Gag on fibrous vegetables. Spit out non swallow-able food on table. Talk to wife. Complain about Senior Vice President. Ridicule her for her slowness in chewing. Go to couch. Grab remote control. Go to a hi-def channel. Tell wife to come over so she can see how great hi-def is. Ridicule her for being technologically unsavvy. Fall asleep. Have dream about telling everyone at work to falk off. Wake up around midnight. Turn off TV. Look for missing sock. Groan in an exaggerated manner. Go to bathroom. Excavate mucous from throat in an exaggerated manner. Crawl into bed. Tell wife to go back to sleep. Sigh in an exaggerated manner. Close eyes. Trace contour of Mercedes GL550 SUV with mind. Fall asleep.
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