This is Exactly What I Ate

by Rafael GALAN
 

I have some trouble expressing my most inner feelings. (I guess that I do as most people do.) But I have found in cooking a perfect way to express myself. I have come up with a feeling-recipe matching system that allows me to let it all out.

See for yourself. This is exactly what I ate:

  1. When I found out that my father was sleeping with my wife (since last Christmas): Garlicky fish stew Corfu Island Style Ingredients:
    2 tablespoons unsalted butter
    3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
    2 medium onions, halved and thinly sliced
    8 to 10 garlic cloves, to taste, chopped
    6 to 8 medium waxy potatoes, to taste, peeled and cut into large cubes
    Salt and freshly-ground black pepper to taste
    6 to 9 old 80s Playboy issues (cut very thin)
    2 1/2 to 3 pounds grey mullet or whiting, cleaned and gutted
    Juice of 1 lemon
    3 tablespoons chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley for garnish How to prepare it:
    Leave everything raw. It makes 4 to 6 servings.
  2. When I woke up the morning after I slept with my boss: Jamaican jerk burgers with chipotle mayonnaise Ingredients:
    1 cup mayonnaise
    3 tablespoons orange juice
    1 tablespoon minced canned chipotle chilies
    Jerk sauce (Abundantly)
    1 bunch green onions, coarsely chopped (about 1 1/2 cups)
    1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme
    1 small habañero chili or 2 medium jalapeño chilies
    1 garlic clove, peeled
    1/2 cup vegetable oil
    3 tablespoons of are-you-out-of-your-fucking-mind-or-what
    1/2 cup soy sauce
    2 pounds ground beef
    6 sesame-seed hamburger buns, toasted
    1 onion, thinly sliced
    3 tomatoes, sliced
    6 romaine lettuce leaves
    How to prepare it:
    Mix all ingredients in small bowl. Season to taste with salt and pepper.
  3. That time when those twin sisters that I picked up at the Fat Duck (when I was still married) turned me down and decided to make out in my bed (at the hotel) and leave me out: Clam and mussel stew with ‘Capocollo’ and ‘Vesuvius’ tomatoes Ingredients:
    2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
    2 large leeks, halved lengthwise
    1 tablespoon chopped garlic
    12 halves Vesuvius Tomatoes
    1/3 cup dry white wine
    1/2 cup of self-pity
    24 littleneck clams, scrubbed
    2 cups bottled clam juice
    32 mussels, scrubbed, debearded
    6 ounces capocollo (or country ham)
    1/3 cup chopped fresh Italian parsley
    2 cups finely chopped onions
    12 large ripe plum tomatoes, halved lengthwise
    1/8 teaspoon dried crushed red pepper
    How to prepare it:
    Preheat oven to 250°F. Add everything. Let it all die in the oven for two hours. Worry first about finding all these ingredients.
  4. When my new fiancée, Christine, who I had been dating for two months (right after I got the divorce) revealed that she was into bondage: Apricot leather 6 fresh apricots (about 1 pound)
    3/4 cup sugar
    2 belts How to prepare it:
    Preheat oven to 200°F. Leave it… how about an hour? Eat directly from the dish. No fork or spoons allowed.
  5. The day after I got out of jail after being mistakenly accused (that means I was innocent) of raping the corpse of the former city major’s 87 year old mother in the outskirts of Amarillo, Texas (I was 18, back then): Dried cherry buttermilk scones Ingredients:
    1/2 cup buttermilk plus 1/4 cup for brushing the scones
    1 large egg
    3 tablespoons light brown sugar
    1 teaspoon vanilla
    2 1/4 cups cake flour (not self-rising)
    1 tablespoon double-acting baking powder
    1/2 teaspoon baking soda
    1/2 teaspoon salt
    3 to 10 chords of a Mandolina
    3/4 stick (6 tablespoons) cold unsalted butter, cut into bits
    1/2 cup dried sour cherries (available at specialty foods shops)
    granulated sugar for sprinkling How to prepare it:
    For 7 scones: In a bowl whisk gently 1/2 cup of the buttermilk, the egg, the brown sugar, and the vanilla until the resulting mixture is combined well… and buy a cooking book. This is a damned complicated recipe.
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