How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #41: December, 2007

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • December’s top ten search queries revealed the world’s growing interest in hobosexuality. “Sex with hobos,” “hobos having sex,” “nude hobo,” “seduce a hobo,” and similar search strings dominated johnny america dot net’s web traffic logs. In this age of American Anxiety men visibly re-popularize the masculine idols of their childhoods - witness Chuck Norris’ role in the presidential campaign, the new Rambo movie, and the return of American Gladiators. The resurgence of bum and tramp fantasy represents womens’ corollary interest in the most popular male icon of decades past: the great American hobo.
  • There were about a dozen requests related to “cattle drive songs.” Unfortunately, we have none to share. Wait, I’ll try to compose one: get along, big cow / yeah, yer movin’ now / get along, big steer / the slaugh-terhouse is near / move, yer’ bovine feet / the people, need their meet / get along, big cow / yeah, yer movin’ now.
  • We wish to meet whoever asked Google for “derrida in my bed”—male, female, hobsexual, whatever—they sound like the kind of freak deconstructionist who crosses boundaries of a priori sexathis, knows the reference from the marks of the movement, then breaks furniture after recounting the trace. So very very attractive, that search query.
  • We’re intruged by the question, “what does skiing mean in personal ads?” We don’t know ourselves, and couldn’t find that information in our own search queries. Maybe it’s code for “likes cocaine,” what with the implied love of “snow.” Or perhaps the person who placed the advertisements just likes to ski down mountains in high-tech outerwear and was hoping to meet someone with similar interests.
  • Other favorite search strings: “kids getting stuck in claw machine,” “old lady legs,” “things and stuff,” “have you bought meat from a door to door salesman?”
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