The Souls, The Bodies

by Writer X

The souls, the bodies and the ways of being I’ve loved the most have not generally been human. Salvia, Sol and Duke the grey cat. Jacaranda, Euphorbia. Prairie dogs. Ruth and Suzy and the Bomb. The weather.

I am trying harder to love everything, to think better thoughts, thanks to the noosphere. In a cosmic response to my resurrected discipline of love, my old friend Ed emails from Los Angeles:

“I’ve bought a fortune cookie factory, a small one.”

Ed and I worked together in many kitchens during the L.A. culinary hyper-leap in the mid 1980s. After a while, we were telepathic. After work, dirty and smelly, we’d hang out at Johhny’s on 8th Street downtown, a real dump but just right, and talk about things we’d like to do with food.

One of our brainstorms was misfortune cookies. Well, Ed did well and made money and recently took ownership of a small fortune cookie factory as part of the buy-out of a Chinese supermarket chain. Funny thing is, fortune cookies aren’t Chinese.

Fortune cookies come from Japan. Look it the fuck up.

Ed knew I was now a great writer.

“I need 5,000 misfortunes asap. You get (a great deal) and a case of 1,000 misfortune cookies.”

Our original plan, in the Johnny”s days, was to somehow sneak outrageous, offensive and seditious fortunes into Chinese restaurant cookies. We also had a great plan for rabbit terrine.

So here I am, dedicated to thinking good thoughts, and charged with thinking up misfortunes. First thing, get a jug of Old Smuggler.

— You stinking hypocrite.
— Bird flu comes from Thailand, not China.
— Disagreements are best settled with weapons.
— Catholicism empowers perverts.
— The greatest love is wet and sticky.
— Moron, thy name is frat boy.
— Never trust people in wheelchairs.
— If you can’t laugh, destroy.
— Is there ever a right time for anal leakage?
— Anyone might be a terrorist.
— The beauty of nature is all that shit outside.
— Jamie Foxx is better than Denzel Washington.
— Bon Jovi. Hah!
— To be closer to God, get drunk.
— The opinions of teenagers are as farts.
— Oprah doesn’t read all those books.
— Real men love guns.
— Tom Cruise is almost a midget.
— All new parents think their brat is Jesus.
— The last thing your fat ass needs is a cookie.
— Integrity, loyalty, talent… all worthless.
— Consider the boner.
— You are that doggie in the window.
— Politicians murder.
— NASCAR is to intellect as rectum is to breakfast.
— Foolishly, you let them tap your phone.
— Real men have tits.
—Your tattoo is really cool and unique.
— Death in the drinking water.
— Eat the homeless.

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