The Apartment Security Man

The Apartment Security Man wears his tight blue button-up shirt with the black military straps on the shoulders very seriously. His boots from Army/Navy Surplus are spit-shined to a flawless sheen. He has an expensive looking police utility belt strapped on under his overhanging paunch. His mother bought it for him when he graduated from Security Guard Academy.

The Apartment Security Man wears mirrored sunglasses on his patrol. He drives a golf cart while searching for crime. He fights crime. He is much like a superhero. In fact, he was the only one at Security Guard Academy to have every single back issue of Captain America, and every issue of Marvel Comics to include Captain America, up to the Cap’s death in issue #25 of Civil War.

He cried when Captain America died. Something in him died that day too.

The Apartment Security Man lives for catching people drinking in the pool area. His camera in the guard shack can see everything that happens, but he knows that the college kids and the Mexicans sometimes pour their beer into plastic cups and take it in the pool. For this reason the Apartment Security Man goes deep undercover. He will put his swim trunks on and baseball cap and lounge by the pool when there is a party. He will ask if anyone has a “cold one,” or a “brewski.” If they say yes….BLAMO! They’re busted. He whips his badge out and writes an Apartment Security Citation.

The Apartment Security Man is a stud. He wears a Marine Corps “high and tight” haircut. He has a yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do. He has no sympathy for young punks with skateboards. He busts them fast and he busts them hard.

The Apartment Security Man was once flashed by Ms. Aguila in Apartment #4113. She squatted down in a short sundress to pick up her newspaper in front of him and he saw that she had no panties on. She clearly wanted him. But he held his manly impulses in check. Captain America would’ve done the same.

The Apartment Security Man is very lonely inside. Sometimes, when he works the late shift, he will eat several Double Quarter Pounders with cheese just to kill the pain. He sees the studs that Ms. Aguila dates driving BMW’s or Porsches, and he knows he will never be like them. They are sharply dressed young lawyers, very smart looking young doctors, or tall and muscular young firefighters. They are just like the jocks in high school that teased him about his crooked penis in the gym locker room.

But he is the Apartment Security Man. That is his fate. That is his destiny. As long as there is crime, as long as there is beer in the pool area or skateboarders on the inner courtyard… he will be there.

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