How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #44: March, 2008

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • We feel sorry for the searcher lamenting, “why am i the last to know about the crime.” They’ve obviously settled into the role of passive participant, not realizing that a fully actualized human feels empowered to plan and commit as many crimes and misdemeanors as is necessary to rid themselves of the nagging worry of always being the last to know.
  • From what we’ve heard, “james woods penis size” is approximately eight and three quarter inches long and six in girth. Please note that our sources are notoriously unreliable while drinking and a conversion from metric units was involved, and metric units always seems long.
  • With a hypothetically eight and three quarter inch unit, actor James Woods would never “have to have fat sex” if he didn’t want to. But maybe he does, maybe he has? With such a gift, it seems like a moral imperative to share.
  • “adult cartoons of cannibals eating womens legs” was a query we’ve never seen before, and a cartoon we hope never to glimpse.
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