How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #45: April, May, & June, 2008

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • The number of searchers who found us by searching for “telekinetic powers” exactly equaled the number hunting “rebound romance.” If only we could play matchmaker and pair these Googlers together, helping the latter find what they want and the former forget what they don’t need.
  • We’re puzzled why anyone would want to know “how long does it take to grow mold from burger king fries?” We like to think they’re teenage science geeks aiming to replicate the powerful pheromones that make the Burger King “King” a veritable plastic Casanova, but alas we suspect they’re bored employees wondering how long they can keep fries in the warming hopper.
  • We’ll give two pieces of advice to the person trying to learn, “how to write an alluring letter to a stranger.”
    1. Begin with, “you have a beautiful smile.”
    2. Never, ever, use the word, “watching” or any other phrasing that hints at your night-vision googles, digital photographs, or maps of your love interest’s neighborhood.
  • The best and only “method to get back at someone who stole your girl” is a switchblade. If the lady’s not worth a little street carnage, it’s time to move on.
  • We don’t understand why Yahoo! matched this search query with Johnny America, but still we were very pleased to find it in our server logs: “i shake my ass i shake my ass i shake my ass electro.”
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