The Three Past and Future Spouses of Carmen Electra Debate the Placement of the A-sharp

ROB PATTERSON: Dude, what’s that green shit in your eyeliner?

DAVE NAVARRO: Fuck. I must have been rubbing my eyes. I just received a shipment of the new harvest of matcha and was, like, out with the old, in with the new.

ROB PATTERSON: You’ve always been so well-organized.

DAVE NAVARRO: When I was in junior high I texted this redhead who sat next to me and asked if she wanted to carry my guitar to band practice. She texted back u r the most fastidious boy!!!!.

ROB PATTERSON: I could be wrong, but I don’t believe that texting existed in 1981.

DAVE NAVARRO: You were always such a literalist, Rob.

ROB PATTERSON: Where is Dennis, by the way?

DAVE NAVARRO: Rehab, I think.

ROB PATTERSON: It feels incomplete without Dennis. What Dennis lacks in fastidiousness, he makes up for in eclecticism.

DAVE NAVARRO: Speaking of eclecticism, what in your opinion was Prince’s greatest accomplishment?

ROB PATTERSON: Dude, this feels like a trick question, but I’ll go with the alchemic transformation of the ordinary American given name Tara Leigh Patrick into an archly clever melding of references to a Gypsy who seduces a soldier who becomes insane, and a Mycenaean princess who persuades her brother to commit a murder in consequence of which he becomes insane.

DAVE NAVARRO: I always thought his greatest accomplishment was Lovesexy.

ROB PATTERSON: True, that was one fastidious album.

DAVE NAVARRO: The horn work is especially fastidious, in my opinion.

ROB PATTERSON: Speaking of fastidious, perhaps now would be a good time to discuss the business about the A-sharp.

DAVE NAVARRO: Killer segue, Rob, given the extended A-sharp that Prince hits in the middle of the guitar solo in “Glam Slam.”

ROB PATTERSON: Here are the issues as I see them. As you well know, the A-sharp is the first or leftmost sharp on a full size keyboard. Thus in one standard method of keyboard nomenclature, the A-sharp is designated as “2,” corresponding to its serial position in the sequence of 88 keys. Thus the A-sharp numerically is first among the 36 sharps. Yet in another standard method, the designation of sharps follows the position of keys in the conventional octave that begins with C. Thus in this method, in striking contrast to the first method, the A-sharp is numerically the fifth, or last, among the sharps.

DAVE NAVARRO: You just used the word “thus” three times, Rob. Still, I don’t believe I’ve ever heard the dilemma stated quite so fastidiously.

ROB PATTERSON: I’m glad to hear that, Dave, because as you know, in general terms, the failure to define a problem fastidiously is a major reason for personal tensions, different outlooks, and a tendency to want to focus on solo projects.

DAVE NAVARRO: Speaking of personal tensions, what in your opinion was Tara Leigh’s greatest accomplishment?

ROB PATTERSON: Hard to choose, but if I had to pick two I’d say Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding and The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human.

DAVE NAVARRO: I always thought it was her strategy for organizing her collection of documentation around the suggestion that she and Joan Jett are romantically involved. As you well know, in such a collection there is an inherent tension between chronological organization and topical organization. An article that may have claims to prominence based on chronological primacy may be not be among the most topically salient. I was impressed by her analysis of the tension and her implementation of a solution that could be defended on both theoretical and practical grounds.

ROB PATTERSON: True, that was one fastidious collection.

DAVE NAVARRO: The solution to the diary entries from when she was eight years old was especially fastidious, in my opinion. You know, the way those entries are the very antithesis of topical, and yet chronologically first in line.

ROB PATTERSON: Dude…you know…it occurs to me that the isomorphism of the two problems…

DAVE NAVARRO: Dennis! (Enter Dennis Rodman.)

ROB PATTERSON: Dennis! Thought you were in rehab again, dude.

DENNIS RODMAN: It’s a kind of freewheeling program, day pass, that kind of thing. Dave, Rob! The gang’s all here. What’s the occasion?

ROB PATTERSON: We’ve gathered to take another shot at pondering the placement the of the A sharp.

DENNIS RODMAN: Damn, that’s touchy shit. Kind of shit that leads to creative differences, vastly different outlooks on life, and the kind of creative relationships that are combustible and not meant to last forever.

ROB PATTERSON: I would add “personal fallings-outs” to that list.

DENNIS RODMAN: Fact is, Dave and Rob, and I hope this kind of product placement doesn’t violate the admittedly generous terms of my rehab, I’ve always used a 61-key Casio, where the leftmost sharp is the C-sharp, so that the sharp that is first in terms of serial position is one and the same as the sharp that is first in terms of the conventional sequence of keys in the octave.

DAVE NAVARRO: Dennis, you always had a knack for seeing through to the heart of a problem.

ROB PATTERSON: Dennis, you always were such a peacemaker, and you’re looking positively radiant. Just like the sun that dried up all the rain, after the rain came down and washed the spider out, after the inky-dinky spider went up the water spout.

DENNIS RODMAN: Rob, I always said you were one fastidious motherfucker.

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