Just Ask James: Confused

What’s great about James Spillane is that if you have a question about how to drunkenly punch someone in the face, start a huge bar fight, have the cops come, then make it look like the person that you punched is at fault because you are mentally handicapped, he knows the answer.

Dear James,

Why do so many heterosexual women pretend they don’t need a man to be happy?

We all know they are just full of shit—we are created to mate—it’s an instinct.

Anyone who wants to argue with that should just walk around in ANY public place on earth and open their eyes. A large percentage of people are part of a couple—every day—everywhere you go.

So… why fight it?

Signed,

Confused…

Dear confused.

As far as happiness goes, that is personal preference, are you asking about “mating” or happiness? Here is what I’ve observed through my many years of observation and experience.

Men need women: they need them in the worst way. A man without a woman becomes a completely self centered self destructive wreck. For example, before I met my beautiful wife I some how managed to lose everything that I had ever owned, my house, truck, job, (my life.)

By the end of it I found myself sleeping on a friend’s floor and spending what little money I had at the American legion in a drunken stupor of pure madness. A woman changed all that.

Women need men: It is odd to me how women behave before they find companionship. Nine out of ten times there is an unresolved issue, some sort of pain mostly inflicted by one of our kind. This bad experience leads to slight anger and that nonchalant “we don’t need men to make us happy!” mantra. Which all some how leads to watching Sex in the City, which leads to drinking copious amounts of wine, which leads to eating buckets of Häagen-Dazs which, if not careful, leads to being a fat judgmental bitch mostly covered in hairy moles blaming all men for societies ills.

Now let’s take a trip to the imaginary land of “communication.” Knowing now that most of this is a front of some sort, try and break through that stucco covered exterior, climb over it, run around it, I don’t care but don’t stand there looking at it wondering why it exists. Basically ask the tough questions, take your time and perhaps let down your own guard a bit and soon you will find the sweet unprotected vulnerable side. Once inside the inner circle take this opportunity to really lay it too her, pull out all the stops, fuck her so she stays fucked, set the shores a little wider, pleasure her like no one has ever pleasured her before, when you are done she shall take on bulls. Bats will live in that cave! Now, here is the important part, after a long snuggle and making her favorite breakfast-in-bed, excuse yourself from the premises and promise to give her a call later in the week.

Never, no matter what you do, talk to her again. Your work is done here young lad. Because who the hell would ever want to settle down with one of those stuck-up self-centered bitches? And in the future when someone asks, “Why do all girls act like they didn’t need men?” you can answer nonchalantly, “because of me!”

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