The Thing About Elephants

Nobody understands elephants. Elephants are too big to understand. Maybe giant people would understand them, but not really. Giant people feel like giants compared to people. Elephants feel normal. They feel really good and not too big at all. Elephants only wish they could afford moisturizer.

Elephants are so dry. They worry about their skin cracking so bad it might bleed. They worry about tusk cavities too. Elephants wish they had dental insurance. Sometimes they wish they had dental insurance, but then they remember how expensive it is. Elephants hate spending money

When an elephant is in a store, he can’t help but feel like he’s getting ripped off. Elephants hate being ripped off.

I know because I watch elephants with my binoculars. If you watch them for a long time and are very perceptive, you will eventually notice the way they flap their ears. You will notice that they do not flap at random or just because of environmental conditions.

Elephants flap their ears in code. It’s actually very similar to Morse Code. Nobody understands elephants because nobody watches their ears. I watch elephant ears. That’s how you know what they’re saying.

That one elephant is cursing a blue streak. He’s the funniest elephant. He tells the funniest jokes. I write them down in my notepad. I’m practicing them so I can turn them into a stand-up routine.

When you watch enough elephant ears, you begin to think like them. I don’t even know what I find attractive anymore. That other elephant breaks so many hearts. So many enormous pachyderm hearts. She makes my binoculars steam up.

Elephants wish they had binoculars. Elephants want a lot of things they can’t have. Elephants shouldn’t be so greedy, but they are. You know the expression “greedy like an elephant”? It’s totally true.

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