Just Ask James: Perplexed

What’s great about James Spillane is that if you have a question about how to drunkenly punch someone in the face, start a huge bar fight, have the cops come, then make it look like the person that you punched is at fault because you are mentally handicapped, he knows the answer.

Dear Mr. Spillane,

I am perplexed because of a friend with paranoid tendencies. I’m afraid that this friend has ideas about me and suspects I might be as insane as everyone else in their life. I find the way this person treats me to be quite rude. I desire to keep a connection with this intelligent person, to continue enjoying their conversation and company, but lately their behavior has become disturbingly dishonest, and as they say, honesty is the best policy. I’m not sure how confide to this person, “you are treating me like a piece of shit.” Can you shed any light on my hopeless situation?

Thank you for taking time to read my letter,

K. Eltrich

Dear Dick Toe Intelligence,

If someone treats you rudely, punch them in the face. See what happens. As far as “wicked smaats” go, I rarely find it in common folk. You got to read! You know this now, I am sure you do.

I admire intelligence as much as the next man — I find most of it in history, I find some of it here to with Johnny America — these cats are funny. There are kids out there bending the arch of time and intelligence, but your friend seems about as smart as a retard sandwich.

Again, punch that kid in the face and all your problems will be solved. Trust me.


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