Just Ask James: Our New President

What’s great about James Spillane is that if you have a question about how to drunkenly punch someone in the face, start a huge bar fight, have the cops come, then make it look like the person that you punched is at fault because you are mentally handicapped, he knows the answer.

Dear James,

What do you think about our new president?


Wow, Allison…

You like how I started that, with just the “wow”? You left me with nothing to bag on… so I have to stand here naked and give you the truth. (Note to all questioners: keep it simple and you will put me on the ropes.)

With that said, here is what I think. I will be the first to tell you that I voted for him (I live in Alaska and the Palin vote went far). In my life time I have never seen anything like him. This guy can talk. If you took every great speech out there and rolled them into one, you’d have the equivalent eloquence of our new president just talking normally about who’s going to win the Super Bowl. A few weeks ago I watched him talk about the economy — he wasn’t even the president yet and it was scary. This guy is like every great speech wrapped up into one, “ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country!” sort of stuff… he was FDR, he was Lincoln, he was, hate to say this, Hitler and Churchill.

Mr. President, what do you think about Connect Four?

“It is a game where the pieces are always moving and as an American we need to reach out to our competitors and know their next move.”

The scary part to me is this: this guy, with all the weight of the world on his shoulders… will fold. He is the absolute closest we have ever come to having somebody like us in the highest office (most of the time we are choosing to eat cold dog shit and hot dog shit when it comes to a president… some rich white man to represent us all). So we broke the mold.

Fear is my fear… It seems like for as long as I can remember we feared fear. First there was sex, and they sold it well… the new sex is fear. Just watch the news. Your dick isn’t big enough, you’re fat, you can’t get hard enough, you need a car, you need a house, you are worthless. Fear is the new sexy… then we had the presidential campaigns, one driven by fear, and the other propelled by hope…

Hope won. We need a little hope. But, now… We forgot all about the terrorists, and the economy seems to be the new fear (trillion dollar deficits). I am freaked out that a bunch a laws will be passed on our watch. Our new president is pushing it. If we are talking about the economy two years from now, I will know it is a lay me down…

Let’s get back to hope. Allison, think about all the things that make you beautiful and sing. I am sure you’ve got a pair of lungs. Sing… perhaps this cat will hear it and we can change things.


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