Bad Hangover

I woke up next to a hung-over camel.

The camel mashed her lips and said who the hell are you?

I said who the hell are you?

I said you’re not the hootchie-cootchie mama with black cherry eyes whom I brought home from The Gibraltar Straight.

She said you’re not the handsome sheik who took me home from The Persian Rug.

But if I close my eyes, she said, you might look like a Berber with the eyes of a prince.

A burger? I said.

Berber, she said, just ask any camel.

She closed her eyes and puckered her lips.

She start kissing me all over.

I had camel slobber running down my face.

I pushed her away.

I said stay on your own side of the bed.

She said this bed is so small it wouldn’t fit a jackass.

The camel and I stared out straight into space.

We didn’t talk to each other.

Finally, the camel broke down and asked if I had any water.

I said my water is reserved for invited guests.

She said she needed to take a shower.

I said she’ll clog the sink with camel hairs.

She asked if she could make her face up in the bathroom.

I told her that no matter what she did she would still be ugly.

She said you are such an ass.

I said I’m sorry you feel that way.

A real horse’s ass.

At least horses know their place, I said.

A real donkey’s ass.

Donkeys don’t swing in discos, I said.

Do you treat all camels this way, she asked.

I haven’t met many in this part of town, I said.

I guess this part of town is dried up, she said.

It wasn’t last night, I said.

Just what do you have against camels, she said.

Nothing, I said, I just hate waking up next to one.

I bet you love all those double-hump jokes, she said.

Now that you mention it, I said.

You’re about as much fun as a nomad in gastric distress, she said.

At that point, it seemed all communication broke down.

Finally the camel said let’s go back to the bar.

At the bar the camel plowed me with Straight ups and Boogie Woogies.

I matched her drink for drink.

Everyone started to pet the camel.

I felt possessive.

I felt a lost connection.

The room was spinning.

She whispered in my ear.

She said you’re beginning to look good.

I was about to pass out.

The camel gave me a lift home.

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