How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #48: April, 2011
Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
Some aficionados of hard core sex are elitist, focusing on horse-play, dwarf-on-dwarf, gothic dwarf, or any of myriad sub-genres of kink; others more catholic in their tastes search the web for, “hard core sex of all kinds,” and through the strange algorithms of Yahoo! find Johnny America, which must surely leave them disappointed and flaccid.
The query, “Can your order Burger King’s buffalo sauce for your own personal use?” makes us wonder how many alternate the uses tangy sauce might serve; perhaps as a vegetarian alternative to sheep’s blood, or as the secret ingredient in a Margarita recipe.
We suspect that “dieting with Jesus” would be difficult: you’d get together to lend each other moral support, discussing the challenges of sustained weight loss and whatnot, all the while knowing that with a wave of his hand J.C. could transmute your pathetic grilled salmon and baked pita slices into delicious fish and chips; that with a shake of his luxurious hair he could turn your chemical-tasting Crystal Lite into delicious Cabernet Sauvignon.
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