Two Letters

by Emily LAWTON

Dear Eric Lawton,

First, I would like to tell you that I applaud your recent efforts to improve yourself and your life. You have been shopping for a new house, and have signed up for 7-day VIP trial memberships to Gold’s Gym more than once. Most recently, you have joined and — guess what! — they have already located several matches for you.

I am less certain that your recent Redbox rentals, Game of Death, Unstoppable, and S.W.A.T. Firefight are likely to improve your life in any appreciable way. You might find your time is better spent watching romantic comedies to study Hugh Grant’s unmatched ability to charm the ladies.

But before any of that, I would suggest that you learn your own email address. Perhaps you are sitting at home right now wondering why Leanne of Perry hasn’t responded to your “wink” yet. Well, you know what? She has. But you will never know about it, because all your email comes to me.

If you happen to know Emma Lawton of Wellington, New Zealand or Ellen Lawton, who recently stayed at the Doubletree Suites in Bentonville, Arkansas, please give them the same message.

Yours in elawtonness,

Emily Lawton


Dear State of Alaska,

What’s up with all your dry cities? What exactly do you expect your citizens to do during the long, cold winter months? I’ve heard people are drinking mouthwash up there. Please reconsider.

Much love,

Emily Lawton

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