How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #49: July, 2011

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.
  • We’ve been scratching our heads for going on a week, and still find ourselves surprised by the presumptiveness of this query made of Google: “american poem for my girlfriend archive.” Sure, if she’s got the moves, there’s a good chance dozens of suitors have written poems for and about the girlfriend in question; yes, it’s quite likely some of these would-be Nerudas are American (Americans love poems that might weasel them into the sack)—but what are the chances all these verse-loving hornballs met in a chat room, forged a plan, then lovingly gathered their odes into a conveniently-searchable web-based collection? Unless the girlfriend’s one of the actresses of Glee, the odds seem unfavorable.

  • It’s a little-known fact, but people with perfect grammar skills tend to attract men with perfectly-proportioned peckers that smell of freshly sanded rosewood and an earthy, manly musk. Since the opposite’s equally true (those with inferior grammar attract foul cock) it’s no wonder that the poor soul who asked a search engine, “why my overweighted boyfriend has a short penis?” finds their lover’s package unsatisfying.

  • Anyone hunting the Internet for, “tips on how to party” is unlikely to find sage advice. The best partiers have nothing to gain by sharing their secrets, and are generally too busy rocking out to compile tips for the would-be party animal.

  • It’s been too long since we’ve heard from once-regular J.A. contributor Derek Gray, but we’d hardly say, “derek gray is a piece of shit,” as someone stated to Yahoo. Quit pissing people off, Derek—and people, simmer yourselves down.

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