How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #51: February, 2013

Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.

February brought a preponderance of search strings formed as fully phrased questions our way. We hope this trend continues, as these queries are far more interesting to read than the usual demands for “goblin+incest+Roomba” vids.

“Who makes school cafeteria pizza?” wondered one Bing user who didn’t realize that cafeteria pizza isn’t so much ‘made’ as it is harvested - scraped under the light of the full moon from the slime-rich fields of Hoboken, New Jersey, that is - before being freighted by tractor-trailers to whitewashed distribution sites nationwide.

One Google user wondered, “What does a handlebar mustache say about a man?” We have strong opinions about this issue (and who doesn’t), but as children and other persons potentially traumatized by mental images of gargantuan schlongs might read this web site, we prefer not to say.

“What if some crumbs got in my penis hole?” seems a rather esoteric concern unless one’s planning some sort kinkiness incorporating Corn-Flaked chicken. We’ve yet to fully consider the mechanics of this scenario.

We wish we could point whoever wondered, “Where can I find an alien-looking shower fixture?” in the right direction, but it’s ambiguous from their query whether they’re on the hunt for fixtures that resemble aliens or are seeking spouts of extraterrestrial origin. You’ve gotta be precise in your search phrasing if you wish for thoughtful and useful replies, people.

The most memorable search of the month, though not phrased in the form of a question, was without doubt, “unmarried women in open shirts please.” Such a precise and curiously polite query! This gentle soul doesn’t demand naked “jugs” or jiggling “titties,” but instead kindly requests the subtle titillation of an “open shirt.” The stipulation that the ladies be unwed suggests a sweetly anachronistic respect for the institution of marriage.

Maybe this searcher is hoping for a glimpse of ‘side-boob’ of the single lady variety. Or a peek at the cleavage of the non-committed. Perhaps a flash of brassiere from the unbetrothed.

Whatever this person and the other interrogative investigators are looking for, we hope they find it.

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